Parents need to exercise caution while physically demonstrating their affection in front of their kids. Modern day children are sensitive to intimacy and run the risk of forming extreme reactions. Children are cued into words or gestures associated with sex. Therefore experts point out that when parents get overtly intimate it amounts to subtle sexual abuse that can negatively impact a child’s mind.

That’s why parents are advised to keep their sex lives private and curtail affection to a peck on the cheek or a warm embrace in the presence of their kids. Sex makes the young curious and often leave them confused. “It is believed that mixed signals from the environment, from peers, from media and home confuse children. They often develop strange ideas about sex-mostly black or white; either it is dirty and taboo or it is wicked and sleazy, the forbidden fruit so parents must exercise caution,” says psychologist and sex therapist Dr. Varkha Chulani.

Experts also point out that when children witness sexual intimacy, it has an adverse psychological effect on them. The impact is similar to the effects of pornography on young impressionable minds. “When they see their parents getting close to each other, it leaves them confused as they are unable to process what they see and hear, resulting in wrapped perceptions, lopsided values, unhealthy beliefs, detrimental attitudes and dysfunctional behaviour,” says fashionista Rita Dhody.

When parents openly display blatant sexual behaviour, it is viewed as subtle sexual abuse of a child’s mind and the damage is as grave as if the child had been physically abused. “Viewing adult sexual behaviour can create arousal in young children even before they are existentially ready to understand and healthily process such feelings. It tampers with nature’s timing, and interferes greatly with the natural growing up process of the child. While it may not interfere with a young child’s growing up process, the stimulus can still result in unmanageable levels of arousal. It may lead to early sexual experimentation, which has its own set of problems like teen pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases or may be just leaving the child psychologically, disturbed,” says Dr. Anjali Chabria, renowned psychologist from Mumbai.

Dr. Chabria adds that she has come across instances where parents indulge in sexual activity without checking if their door is properly shut or their children (if in the same room) are fast asleep. Parents many a time even undress in front of kids, which is again not right. “Vivid audio-visual impact of sexual interaction between parents can leave kids feeling confused and disturbed.”

Model Nayanika Chatterjee says, “Avoid the use of verbal sexual innuendos, sexual jokes, and description of sexual behaviour in front of children and young adults. Also parents must restrict any form of touching with sexual overtones to the bedroom or a more private place.” On the other hand, if children observe two adults of the opposite gender, whether it’s their parents or otherwise, expressing warm and caring feelings of appreciation, gratitude, admiration, encouragement and other kind and comforting words, they learn to model such emotional intimacy.

It is also equally beneficial for the child to witness apologies being asked, and forgiveness being granted, as it models humility and love in the relationship.  Television personality Archana Puran Singh says, “Non-sexual touching such as holding hands, placing a head on the shoulder of the partner and an affectionate hug, are not only harmless but help in sending out positive signals to the child that his parents share a healthy relationship. This in turn makes the kid feel more secure.”

So the bottom line is that there is a clear demarcation between sexual and non-sexual yet affectionate behaviour. The first, if viewed, can prove to be harmful, while the latter is beneficial. Adults should be alert and aware of the effects of both and make responsible choices while interacting with each other in front of children. So parents are advised to strike a balance and get their behaviour right.

* He does not have a BEER gut. He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

* He is not a BAD DANCER. He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

* He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME. He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

* He is not BALDING. He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

* He is not a CRADLE Snatcher. He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

* He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK. He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

* He does not act like a TOTAL ASS. He develops a case of RECTAL-ANAL INVERSION.

* He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG. He has SWINE EMPATHY.

* He is not afraid of COMMITMENT. He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

* He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES. He has an INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC MOMENT.

Move over traditional sangeet rasms, with dholaks and band baaja. Hosting a DJ Night is the hottest wedding trend this season. Charged up guests, snazzy dance floors and a popular DJ spinning the latest chartbusters,  is how Hyderabadis like it. “The idea of organising a DJ night is fun as it lets the groom and bride have a blast with family and friends. The concept of a traditional sangeet barely has takers now, with even parents and the elders of the family wanting to keep pace with the times and let their hair loose,” says Sumit who organised a DJ night, a few days ago, as part of his  wedding celebration.

DJ night is a legal licence to party hard with your fiance, quips Jahnvi Badri, an employee of HDFC bank. “At the DJ bash, we had a fun party at a booked venue  with friends only, while family was kept far away. Anyway the wedding is going to be an all-family affair, might as well enjoy the last days of bachelorhood,” she adds. And the hottest tracks on the console for DJ nights this year are   desi and global numbers with a good mix of Telugu tracks too.

DJ Shweta says, “People shed their inhibitions once hit numbers are played. Both Bollywood and Tollywood hit numbers are popular in Hyderabadi weddings. Songs from Dostana, Jab We Met, Singh is Kinng are ruling the charts when it comes to wedding bashes. Telugu numbers from  Pokiri and Arya are still hot on the list.”

“But if family is involved, we also  play popular old wedding songs in a revamped, remixed version that gets the crowd going. Songs from Chandni, Mujhse Dosti Karoge, Hum Aapke Hain Kaun are tempered with peppy beats and are the hottest picks,” he adds.

But most, DJs just play music to suit the crowd’s mood. DJ Blackjack says, “Be it Hindi hits or tracks from the Pussy Cat Dolls, we keep changing the music depending on what the crowd wants. Moreover since it is a wedding affair, we have to play family numbers too. Initially, when guests are entering the venue and catching up with each other, acoustic music is played. As the pace catches on, fast paced numbers are preferred,” says Dj Black Jack.

The latest buzz is that Karan Johar is planning to sign Kareena and John for his next production to be directed by Soham and the stars have agreed to act with each other. When asked, John clarified, “Kareena is a good actress and there was never any problem from my side, it would be a pleasure to work with her.” John further added that his pairing with Kareena will be an interesting one as it would have a very never-before-seen appeal.

— Kareena also appeared to be “cool” about working with John on a television show recently where she declared that the duo might be paired together in an Ashtavinayak project very soon.  Sure enough the Tashan babe and the Dostana hunk will make a hit-hot pair! It’s not just Kareena but even her arch-rival Katrina has also patched up with John. Katrina Kaif and John Abraham will be seen sizzling as a couple on screen in Yash Raj’s next venture titled New York. The movie also stars Neil Nitin Mukesh and  Irfan Khan. John got along well with Neil and says, “Neil is brilliant and will surprise a lot of people with his performance.”

QI am married for over 12 years and have a nine-year-old son. My husband is a compulsive womaniser. I forgave him each time and even got him an oppurtunity to work in the same organisation as me. However he started to complain after three years that he needed his privacy and left. He soon started his own business. Here he got involved with his employee as a result of which the business ran into losses. Each time I confront him, I face physical assault.  I want to leave him but am worried as I have two joint properties although I’m paying all the loans. Secondly, can action be initiated against his current mistress for ruining our marriage? 

Dear lady,

I’m glad that better sense has prevailed and you have decided to leave this wretched man. You certainly deserve a better life. As far as the joint property is concerned, I suggest that you contact a good lawyer who is well versed in property matters to guide you. As far as your husband’s mistress is concerned, I’m afraid there is no law that can be initiated against the mistress. And, when you have decided to walk out, why humiliate yourself by indulging in name calling? Also, your husband is equally responsible for the affair, so you can’t blame the other woman alone.   

Having problems with your marriage? Want to talk about it? Write to Grandma and take her advice. Letters must be addressed to: Grandma’s advice Lifestyle, 58,5th floor, H.M.Towers, Brigade Road, Bengaluru or email it to grandma@deccanmail.com